The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with a Man by Laura Doyle, Simon and Schuster, 2001.
I’m going to have to rein myself in on this post because there is a lot to say about this book’s ideas. Where to begin? I guess with a description of my initial reading of it, more than ten years ago. A woman I greatly admired and respected mentioned it, saying that her husband had suggested she read it. “How come?” she’d asked him. “I don’t boss you around!” And he’d said, “Well . . . ” She seemed to think that it had indeed had something to say to her. So I got it, and read it, and was indeed quite struck with it myself. I wish I’d paid a little more attention to it at the time, but I guess it’s never too late to learn.
What’s the central premise? That a wife’s desire to control her husband is based on fear. And as long as she gives in to that fear she will sacrifice the peace and intimacy that her marriage was meant to have. (There are caveats, which I call “the three A’s”: abuse, adultery, and addiction.)
Here’s the most intriguing fact about this book: it’s not a Christian book, doesn’t purport to have any religious viewpoint at all (beyond a very vague 5 1/2-page chapter titled “Rely on a Spiritual Connection”), and yet is profoundly biblical. A recent re-reading of it, in connection with some thinking I’ve been doing about the subject of love in general, has been very profitable. Specifically, the book has helped me identify what has always bothered me a little in the (mostly very good) teaching I’ve gotten over the years about God’s plan for marriage and the home. Two ideas in particular in that teaching seem problematic to me:
1. Without at all meaning to do so, much evangelical/fundamentalist Christian teaching tends to encourage a husband and wife to treat each other like children. The man can’t take any criticism or disagreement, we’re told; his famously “fragile male ego” (would that I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that phrase) will collapse. There’s a danger of the wife’s seeing her submissiveness as a manipulative tool or just as mistakenly thinking that she can’t say anything or express any opinions and still be a godly helpmeet.
2. In our zeal to maintain proper gender roles, we can come across as saying that men and women belong to entirely different species. So Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, founder of Love and Respet Ministries, says that men are most motivated by the desire for respect and women most by the desire for love. He calls these differences “blue and pink thinking.” And he’s certainly right that men and women do think differently to some extent. Secular books back up that idea; most people have at least heard of the hugely best-selling book Men Are from Mars; Women Are from Venus, written by John Gray, the title of which is self-explanatory. I’ve gone through the L&R video series when it was shown at our church. Eggerichs is a very effective communicator, and I felt that his ideas were helpful in many ways. But . . . here’s the thing. Not to sound too obvious or simplistic, folks, but guess what? Men and women are all human beings. In Matthew 7:12 Jesus says, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets” (NIV). He doesn’t say, “In everything, first stop and think about whether the other person is male or female and then treat him or her accordingly.” I find in my own marriage that asking myself how I would want Jim to respond to me in a given situation if our positions were reversed has always provided a reliable guide about what I should do. (Not that I always do it, you understand.)
There’s much more to say on this subject, but I don’t want to wear you out, oh faithful blog readers. Let me just say that I don’t agree with Laura on everything; I think she goes to an extreme in a couple of areas. She says, for instance, “Respect means that when he takes the wrong freeway exit you don’t correct him by telling him where to turn. It means that if he keeps going in the wrong direction you will go past the state line and still not correct what he’s doing” (35). Wha-a-a-a-t? Wouldn’t he feel a bit irritated and even betrayed when he realizes that he’s gone miles in the wrong direction and you knew it and didn’t tell him?
One final idea: Laura is coming out with a new book in June called First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors. (A takeoff on a line from Shakespeare, in case you’re wondering.) Her idea, and I think she’s right on the mark, is that most of the time marriage counseling doesn’t work. Think about it: what does a typical counseling session consist of? First the wife is encouraged to share what she thinks are the problems in the marriage. Then the husband does the same. So they’ve each been encouraged to gripe about the other. Then the counselor gives them (perhaps very good) advice. Then the couple is given “homework,” with instructions to report back at the next meeting about how things went. Can you imagine a better recipe for killing off a romance? Most people who go to marriage counseling, Laura says, end up getting a divorce. I don’t know where she gets her statistics, but I think she’s probably right. What’s the alternative? Well, maybe doing some logical, biblical thinking on your own about your marriage. But since people do often want or need an objective third party to weigh in, she recommends what she calls “relationship coaching,” as long as they don’t become just individual gripe sessions. I’d recommend, though, that you make a start on improvements in your own marriage, whatever they may consist of, by (here it comes) reading this book.