Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Families in Crisis by James Dobson, originally published in 1983 by Word Publishing, now available in many different formats and from many sources.
All I’m askin’ is for a little respect when you come home.
I ain’t gonna do you wrong while you’re gone,
I ain’t gonna do you wrong ’cause I don’t want to,
All I’m askin’ is for a little respect when you come home.
I’m about to give you all of my money . . .
It ain’t nothin’ of the kind! She’s begging this guy to treat her right (“just a little bit” as the background lyrics keep repeating) and holding out a bribe to keep him around. It’s downright demeaning, to both him and her. I never realized what this song actually said until I looked up the words in preparation for writing this very post. Is her love tough? No sir-ree. She needs to read James Dobson’s book; otherwise, as the song itself prophesies:
I get tired, keep on tryin’,
You’re runnin’ out of fools and I ain’t lyin’.
When you come home,
Or you might walk in,
And find out I’m gone,
I got to have just a little respect.
I started thinking about Dobson’s book lately as I observed some some relationships around me. Let me ask you something. Have you ever fallen passionately in love with someone because he/she begged you to? Didn’t you want to run the other way? And has it ever worked, say with your parenting, to keep giving in and appeasing? I remember what a terrible disciplinarian I was when I taught high school; it never ceased to amaze me that threats weren’t enough. I had to carry through with them. And if I didn’t, my students knew I was a total wimp. (I kept a fair measure of control because I was such a good storyteller and my students enjoyed listening to me, but there were times . . .)
Dobson beats the same drum in this book that he does in Dare to Discipline, or The Strong-Willed Child, or Straight Talk to Men and Their Wives; What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women. Whatever human relationship you may be discussing, maintaining a line of respect is the one vital ingredient. Here is a distillation of the ideas of this whole book in a few sentences:
It is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect in all romantic [and any other] encounters. I have observed that many relationships suffer from a failure to recognize a universal characteristic of human nature. We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that with which we are stuck! (p. 187 in 1983 edition)
Dobson says, and I absolutely agree, that there has been a wrong emphasis in many churches in seeming to say a wife should be submissive and take whatever bad treatment she gets from her husband. But this pernicious attitude isn’t just in churches, and it doesn’t just get applied to women. What’s the message of so much popular culture? “My baby done left me. Wah, wah wah!” Ho boy. (Remember the wonderful “ABBA Goes to the Dogs” video I posted awhile back? Such a great song, “Take a Chance on Me.” I love it. But what’s its message? “Hey, here I am! I’m still free, honey! If you don’t have anything better to do, if you’re lonely, spend some time with me–puh-leeze!”)
Well, this is a great book. It’s a spine-stiffener, a shot in the arm, and a kick in the seat of the pants, all rolled up in one. Dobson deals with many difficult situations, includes actual letters and interviews with people who stepped out and followed his ideas, and tells a great story about how his then-girlfriend Shirley, now his wife of many years, dealt with his giving her the classic “I don’t want to tie you down” speech. But . . . you’ll have to read the book to find out what happened.