I’ve written about Laura Doyle before in my post on her book The Surrendered Wife and have mentioned her several other times. Let me be quite clear on the matter: I do not agree with her on a number of points. You can follow the link above to read about some of my issues with her. However, that being said, I have to say that most of the time she’s right on the money. She has started a blog to which I subscribe, and the post I discuss today is one of the best short pieces of advice you’ll ever see on human relationships, especially marriage.
I highly encourage you to read “Does My Husband Have Aspergers [sic] or Another Mental Illness? How to Improve a Relationship When Your Husband has Aspergers, ADD, OCD, Narcissism or Other Mental Illnesses.”
Now let me tell you: it ain’t what you think. She’s not talking about dealing with your husband’s problems at all but how to deal with yours. Let me quote from some other sources that support this view:
“No doubt the problem is with you.” Dr. Bob Jones Sr.
“The only person I can change is myself, but when I change, others may change.” Gretchen Rubin
”Self pity is the worst possible emotion anyone can have. And the most destructive.” Stephen Fry
“The distinction between pretending you are better than you are and beginning to be better in reality is finer than moral sleuth hounds conceive.” C. S. Lewis (This one takes a little thought.)
“Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves; they therefore remain bound.” [James Allen]
My husband is fond of saying, “Water the flower that grows.” He’s re-stating Laura Doyle without realizing it; she says, “What you focus on increases.”
Does all of this sound terribly Pollyanna-ish and full of magical thinking? I hope not, because it really isn’t. To quote my husband again, “Hope is a poor planning tool.” I’m not saying, and Laura’s not saying, and none of the people above is saying, that our lives will explode into a dazzle of happiness if we can just think a few positive thoughts and hope that good things will happen. It takes real effort to change our thinking and therefore change ourselves; it’s not something trivial, and as Christians we know that we can’t change anything without God’s help anyway. The alternative, though, whenever we feel that we’ve been wronged and gotten a raw deal, is so deceptively easy: to occupy ourselves with plans for changing that person who’s so frustrating. (Just as it’s so much easier to reach for the second cookie rather than getting up and putting the plate out of reach.) If only we can get someone to figure out the other person’s problem and prescribe something, our problems will be over. Ha!
Where is your focus? On the other person’s fault, or your own?
Thank you, needed this.