As everyone in the known universe knows, Gretchen Rubin’s new book on habits, Better than Before, came out last week. While Gideon was getting his MRI on Friday at the hospital I walked over to the Tattered Cover Bookstore to buy my copy and get my admission ticket for her appearance there tomorrow night. I’ve been reading it kind of slowly, trying to savor it and take it all in. I even plan to do something very rare for me: go back and highlight the most important ideas.I do wish I had known half a century ago, just when I was entering my teens, that I’m an “obliger,” one of the Four Tendencies that Rubin describes. As I mentioned in a recent post, obligers have a hard time keeping promises that they make to themselves, although they respond readily to the expectations of others. I listed several areas in my life where I have an outward expectation that I meet very well. But I was hoping that the new book would give me some kind of magic formula to use in establishing accountability for my inward expectations. How can I put in place some kind of framework that will keep me on track for the many goals I have for myself?
Unfortunately, there is no magic formula. The usual idea is to pair up with someone, an “accountability partner,” and thus be motivated by the desire not to disappoint that person. If you want to exercise more, go walking with a friend. Set up a routine to e-mail a fellow writer and report how much you got done today. Etc. The problem is, I have no desire to do that. And being someone’s partner in this way can be a massive pain in the neck. I have an extremely strong streak of independence and want to do things my way.
It’s hard to ask someone to be the bad guy or the babysitter. When I was first married my dear husband said that I didn’t need to worry about going out and getting a job; he knew that I wanted to do some writing. Unfortunately, the very worst thing in the world for me is to have unstructured time. So, after listening to me whine about how little I was getting done each day, he suggested that maybe he could call me once a day and ask how my writing was going. Let’s just say that he only did that one time. I didn’t find his call to be energizing, but irritating, even though I had agreed to try out his plan.
Here I am again, struggling to discipline myself about activities that concern only myself. Right now, as I write this, it’s almost 2:30 PM. I have to leave in less than four hours to go to Chorale practice. Have I worked on my music for an hour? No. Written on my book for an hour? Nope. Do I have time to meet these two goals before leaving the house? Actually, yes. There’s even a plan in place for dinner. So I’m going to try to meet these inner expectations. Any obligers out there reading this? How do you handle this type of situation?